my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
