You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
