apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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