i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
