all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
