The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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