Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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