Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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