I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
