I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
