My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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