Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
