So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
