you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
