I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
