I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I would ride that face into the sunset
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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