I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
