Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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