Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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