There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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