i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i drank out of a bidet.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
