Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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