she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
