8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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