shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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