I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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