All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
