Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
