I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
A bitchslap is in order.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
