Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
