i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
