It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
