I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
