mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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