I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
