i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
