last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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