Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
People in love make me want to vomit
home. puking in laundry basket.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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