I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
