I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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