just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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