tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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