just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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