Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Randomize
