She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
