Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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