She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
