please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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