I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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