at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
